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Saturday, May 29th, 2004
7:04 pm - Hi
I don't even know what the hell this thing is anymore. I haven't been on here in like a year. Well, I'm ending this thing. I have no time or need to write to a computer and let everyone read what I type anymore. Now we have Friendster... I'm on it but I have no use for it. But, I'll stick with it for now. I think you need an email to add me and mine is

Anyway... I still hate my life and myself. But, I don't hate myself as much. I lost 40 pounds and I'm engaged! Now to find an apartment and a better job and start my damn life already. And lose 30 more pounds!

Have a good life everyone and goodbye to this livejournal madness.

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Monday, December 15th, 2003
5:59 pm - Long time no see...
Well... it's been a very, very, very long time since I've written in this thing. You all must have thought I was dead... oh, wait, you didn't care! Just kidding.
I've been so busy: babysitting every morning, working every afternoon/evening. Not making enough money, not having enough fun. Whatever.
Things are pretty much going the same. I did get a full time job which will start come January; I can't wait for teh money to start coming in. I end babysitting next week! Yay! Ian's okay. :)
That's all I guess... just a small update. I'm still alive. I'm still depressed and I still hate life... but hopefully it'll all get better soon.

current mood: tired

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Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
7:33 pm
I'm so tired. I wake up everyday (Monday-Friday) at 7a.m. and go babysit a very cute 5 month old girl. I leave there at 1:30p.m. and walk to the subway where I sit for an hour. I get off the subway around 2:15 and walk a 15 minute walk to my second job where I remain until 8:00p.m. At 8, I walk another 15 minute walk back to the train. I don't get home until around 9:30p.m. I am so tired!! Every weekend I spend with Ian, which is very nice. Still no ring yet...
I have no time to sleep or do my laundry or go shopping. My new diet is making it worse. I never eat... I'm so hungry all the time but I lost 5 pounds in one week so hopefully I'll lose a few more pounds.
I keep telling myself taht I must work hard for these few months so that in January I can go get an apartment wiht Ian... however, if I don't have a ring, I'm thinking about going back to Plattsburgh with Chrissy where I'll work for the 4 months taht she needs to be there.
We'll see...

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Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
7:34 pm - Dave
I love the Dave Matthews Band. I had the most perfect seats for the two most perfect concerts ever!!! The setlists were so fantastic. My seats were amazing both nights. There was no one in my way... I was right there in front of Dave Matthews who is my new lover. When he sang Crash Into Me, he was looking right at me I swear! Yes Dave, you can cum into me anytime! Uhm, anyway. I had fun :o)

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Monday, August 18th, 2003
11:46 am - Can't see the light...
That blackout sucked... I was trapped in Manhattan for nearly 20 hours because the trains weren't working and it was crazy. People were walking everywhere and cars were everywhere but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, Ian was able to come rescue me on Friday morning but it was hell. It's over... I'm happy... all is well now. Dave is in six and seven days. Yay!

current mood: anxious

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Sunday, August 10th, 2003
11:18 am
I got another job! Well, I got a second job in addition to my current part-time job. I'm going to be babysitting for my friends cute 4 month old daughter every week day from 9am to 1:30pm and then after that hop on the train for my other job in the city. I'm excited bc it's more money, and I love the baby (alysen). And, I'll be able to save a lot of money while living at home so that by may or june I'll be out for good. Hopefully it'll all work out though. I seem to always get my hopes up for things that don't happen how I want them to. I got my Dave seats... 4th row and 11th row center for the 2 continental shows... lets see if I go to any other shows. Ian is sleeping on my bed right now :o)
Erin... IM me or email me with your cell number so I can call you from the show! You won't hear me and I probably won't hear you but you'll hear the song!!

current mood: sleepy

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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
6:24 pm
Yes... so I'm definitely not a hippie! I thought that I might be a hippie and maybe I do have hippie qualities about myself but I am NOT a hippie. I went to two Phish concerts in two days. We got really drunk one night... the night it rained. It wasn't horrible and maybe in an indoor venue I would enjoy them better but man these hippies are so rude! They claim to be for love and peace and shit but they don't care who's in their way... they will dance. Whatever, no more Phish and no more hippies for me.
Next is DMB on August 24, 25 and Sept. 11. If anyone has a favorite song let me know and I'll call you from the concert if they play it!!

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Friday, July 11th, 2003
11:22 am - I got the job!
I got the job!!! It's Monday-Friday from 3:00-8:00pm and it pays $10 an hour! That's almost double than I was making at Stewarts and it's only starting pay!! Hopefully, once I'm there a little bit I'll be able to get more hours! In my free time I'll either continue to work for the Temp place or join a gym or something. Either way, I'm happy that I finally got a job even though it's part-time and even though it's evenings but whatever! I start monday so once I get a schedule going and get in the hang of it i'm sure i'll be fine! and ian's bday is tuesday :o) I got him some kickin dvd's!

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Thursday, June 26th, 2003
8:50 pm - College Sucks
and thank goodness I'm out. I wish I never went because I'm going to be paying it back for the rest of my life. And I can't even find a decent job. I count and sort mail... that's not what I spent four years of my life and the next 10 years of my money for.

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
9:06 pm - Home?
Well... I'm finally out of Plattsburgh and I don't miss a thing about that place. I don't particularly love it here but that's only because I hate living with my family. I love that I get to see Ian all the time. I go to his house every weekend and we always have a lot of fun. I even went to chrissy's house last weekend and got very high! I completely quit smoking cigarettes and pot. The last of what I had was smoked at chrissy's house. All I need is a nice job in the city and an apartment with Ian. Maybe I'll head back to Plattsburgh if I can' tfind a job here but Plattsburgh sucks so bad and after the moment that I left, I never looked back. I'm back with my cat, and my wonderful boyfriend. Oh well, I guess that's all.

current mood: satisfied

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Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
11:34 am - yay!!!
Ian's coming today!!!!!!! And I only have 2 weeks left up here!!!!!

current mood: anxious

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Monday, April 21st, 2003
3:34 pm - Townies Suck
OKay... I only have like 30 days left and then i get to leave. The people here are so stupid. I hate this apartment and I have two friends, Chissy and Kristy, up here and even them I'm getting a bit tired of. I miss my boyfriend so much. I'm so tired of walking around and seeing frats and sororities. They are so dumb. The guys in the frats are such male pigs it's horrible. I don't know what it is about this area but these townies have such bad hygiene I can't believe it. They smell and they look so insane. People are so narrow minded up here I hate it. I would bet a hundred bucks that any townie would survive about 10 minutes in new york city before getting killed. I can't wait to leave here i'm never coming back or associating myself with anyone from this shithole again!

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Sunday, January 12th, 2003
10:08 pm - Yay!
In the summer of 1999, I went to Japan and made friends and a new family. All of whom I thought I'd never see again. I've kept in contact with all of them.

My aunt, for my graduation present, is bringing me to JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!! I get to go to Japan again, for free, again!! I'm so happy and trying not to be scared of flying!

We're also going to LA along the way! L fucking A! That's awesome!

Plus I love Ian and I'm going back to Plattsburgh tomorrow so this time tomorrow night I will be shitfaced!

John, it's been 3 and a half years... i need to learn Japan again... you must help me! LOL!

current mood: worried

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Friday, December 27th, 2002
10:08 pm
I am boned. I am sad. I miss Ian. I love Dave Matthews Band. I love pot and I hate Plattsburgh. I love fireworks ice cream but I hate Stewarts. I love Dave Matthews and Ian and my cat, Gabbi. ER is on now.
WackoGrl19: why did you send me there
Milchama: because i always look at it
WackoGrl19: really
Milchama: yeah. waiting for you to write again
WackoGrl19: oh i will
WackoGrl19: hold on
Milchama: yay
Milchama: i need to take puppy for puppy walk. i'll call you when i get back
WackoGrl19: ok i'll sign off in 10
Milchama: ok cu. happy writing!
Milchama: smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooch!
I guess Ian will call me! Bye Bye! and Hi Baby!

current mood: high

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Sunday, September 29th, 2002
3:49 pm - Well...
Since I have no more DSL, not to mention no more time, I really haven't been writing. There's nothing really to write about. Life is... life.

I go to all my classes, do all my school work, study and write articles, go to work at the library, go to work at Stewarts, go to work at the church, sleep, eat and walk. That's all I do. I don't have friends, I don't have Ian, and I don't have fun.

I make all this money, and I'm not rich because I'm saving up for a car and an apartment... but I make all this money and spend my time working my ass off and I have nothing to show for it. No car, no nice computer, no puppy, no Ian.

Ian is too far away and I don't know what to do. There's nothing that I can do but I cry all the time and I can't concentrate on anything nor do I care about anything. I hide my feelings from everyone, sometimes even him. I know what he's doing is important and I'm not mad at him for being where he is, I'm mad at myself for being where I am. I HATE it here! I don't feel anymore, I just do.

I'm very, very lonely. I have no friends. Well Chrissy's a friend but she's got issues and Meghan's a friend but she only does what her boyfriend "allows" her to do and fuck that. Jean's a friend but I live with him. I suck.

There's such problems in this world and there's people who don't have nearly what I have and I hate being upset because I know I have no reason to be. But I am.

current mood: lonely

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Thursday, August 8th, 2002
2:39 pm
I'm at work... I hate this job for so many reasons... maybe one day I'll post the letter I'm writing to the dean of the library on here. The letter complains about all the shit the employees had to go through this summer.

My head is pounding and I'm so bored.

I shouldn't complain. At least we now have internet for a little while. Until they make us prisoners again and take it away. Fuck this job, fuck it in the ear!

current mood: tired

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Sunday, July 28th, 2002
5:46 pm
Summer will be coming to an end very soon. It's way too hot in my apt.

I'm working a lot of hours at my library job and I'm trying to find a second job bc my asshole father lost his job, AGAIN. He really has no concern about his family. It's not a HUGE problem for me bc I pay for college and everything on my own anyway. But, whenever I needed money for my rent, my parents would help out. I no longer have that option. We were dirt poor as it was but with him having no job (and not even looking for another one) we're even dirtier and poorer. So, instead of my 40 hour a week job, I'll have that and a 25 hour a week job.

When the semester begins I know it'll be really hard. For one, Ian will be leaving. My classes are going to be really hard and one class I have to take independant study so I'll be getting double the work. I'm going to work 15 hours a week at the library and hopefully 20 hours at whatever other job I get, plus babysitting. And I have no car so don't ask how I'll be getting food.

I'm sure I'll be writing on this a lot next semester. I only have a year left but I want to get out of year so fucking badly. One more month to classes and about a month and a half until the love of my life and I are separated for a year.

current mood: confused

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Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
4:55 pm - It's been awhile...
Because for once, I have nothing to complain about! I mean, yeah there's stuff that pisses me off but to be honest, I couldn't be happier.

I'm staying in Plattsburgh this summer and working full time at the library and babysitting on the side. I'm living with Ian... and just Ian. It's perfect. I cook for him and he cooks for me and we're just so happy. People at work make fun of us and call him my husband. And it's true. We're like an old married couple and I love it. This summer was really supposed to be a test of our relationship and it's working out very well.

I have no more DSL which is reason number one that I haven't written in a while but I'm also just so busy with work and Ian and stuff.

Yeah, I still have NO money and I really dont' have many friends up here and I'm still rather moody and depressed and fat but I have Ian and this summer it's really been proved that as long as I have him, I don't need anything else.

I know that really the summer has just begun but come end of August or beginning Sept. he's leaving for an internship in the city and it'll be Jean moving into the apt. which I have made Ian and mine's and Ian will be gone. So even though I've got two more months left... it seems like Ian will be leaving way too soon.

Well, I have bday presents to shop for and apt decorations to see so I'll see you later!

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Sunday, May 12th, 2002
10:39 am
I just went through telling Jean what a good friend he was last night and now I read his journal and it looks as though I'm going to be screwed over... his name is signed to a lease though... for next year and this summer... so I doubt he can get out of it if he tried but still... just the fact that he's thinking about ditching me for his furcking "brothers" what the hell!!?! that's fucked up...

jean needs to stop being a wuss and just do and say things that he wants to do and say. his mother is guilting him into coming home this summer but, hi, he already signed a lease... he never had a real job... he needs to find out how the world works beyond his mother's farm. That sucks though that he's going to have to lose 600 bucks just to work for his mother all summer...

jean needs to understand how things work... like when you promise your friend that you'll live with them... you should live with them... and if you sign a lease... it's a contract with your signed name saying you'll pay money... well, if he doesn't live with me than he's sxrewed out of a lot of money... and if he thinks that he'll find some stranger to live with me than i will never talk to that fucker again because that's just fucked up how he can ditch me for his little drinking buddies who treat him like shit and try to make him something he's not!!!

ahhhh... why are people so inconsiderate

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Monday, May 6th, 2002
10:51 pm
I'm so depressed....

I've been thinking a lot about getting raped. I don't think about how horrible it was but I think a lot about how it was my fault and how I allowed it happen. I know that it's stupid that I feel that way but I do. I haven't spoken about it, and I mean really spoken about it to anyone really. Chrissy has been a great friend and I spoke to her about it tonight but I feel like she was part of it and she helped me so much when it happened that I don't want to botyher her with it now. Even though, I'm sure, she's glad to listen.

I've tried to cover it up so hard... my depression. Since I stopped Prozac, I started pot and now I think I'm down to nothing.

I don't seem depressed a lot because I walk around and people ask how I'm doing and I say fine. I put a smile on my face and listen and talk but inside I just keep falling apart more and more. I take it out on other people. I take it out with anger, which is why it seems like I get mad about everything. But really, I've discovered, I use that anger to hide my sadness. I take things out with my moods. I'm moody and it's because I'm depressed.

I give up. I'm depressed and I'm scarred and that's it.

current mood: depressed

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